Daddy Project 2.0 – feelings and learnings from parental leave

Sprints containing naps, diapers and singing Baby Shark. A typical day in software development?

Some psychologists divide individuals into two main interest groups: those captivated by things and those drawn to people.

As a software engineer, I would fall more into the aforementioned group. I, even not technically an engineer by my degree, definitely feel more comfortable with things than people. I have my flaws, like all of us, but I feel that people may notice them and react to them. Things don’t, maybe never will, no matter how cool ChatGPT becomes.

I have a lot of responsibility in my daily work, but the worst that could happen is that someone’s web application won’t load, or some payment needs to be manually refunded. It's a responsibility on a comfortable level.

All that was about to change with my full-time parental leave with my second child, my tiny little champ Oliver.

This post will reflect my thoughts on the process behind the scenes and what it meant to be a full-time stay-at-home parent with an n-month-old.

PI Planning

Some of my past projects involved heavy-weight quarterly PI planning (Program Increment), where you would need to know where you will be after eight weeks and commit to that.

I was never the greatest fan of that because even one- to two-week iterations are sometimes hard to predict. Things change. Priorities change. Teams change.

If anything, parental leave should involve full-blown PI planning and SAFe coach to be on the safe side. There are multiple things to consider, not just the timing of your leave but aligning with the employer and customer (or customers).

Unfortunately, there’s also a lot of bureaucracy from the government’s side to get you parental leave money. Much more than in Sweden, where we had our firstborn. My one piece of advice for this: start the paperwork as early as possible, because it takes time and there will be some twists and turns.

The financial side is also good to consider since one might need to prepare for the financial hit from parental leave. For our family, we were lucky, not just because our compensation model is more than generous at Asteroid but also because we had just moved into an affordable housing option when my better half started studying at Jyväskylä University of Applied Sciences.

Sprints

Everyday life with a baby was an iterative process at its finest. Wake up, change a diaper, cook breakfast, drop the firstborn to daycare, change diapers, take a nap. Repeat.

To be clear, I hate routines, except for the life-saving morning coffee routine.

Routines make me easily anxious. One thing I love about my work is that things are rarely routine, even when we work on iterative setups. That yarn install works 9 out of 10 times. That tenth time will make you cry and make you question your career decisions. That routine deployment will explode the entire production environment and your client's competitors' production environment, even when you have no access to the latter. Things are pseudo routine; everything moves fast, even when they go slow.

Typical sprint (length: ~3 hours)

Everyday life with a baby followed a repetitive pattern. This routine was occasionally interrupted by family clubs, which brought welcome changes to our day. I loved spending time with him, but I did notice that my mind was somewhat restless. It demanded some mental challenge, and “What should we eat for lunch” didn’t count as one.

It’s a joy to be a stay-at-home dad. But no doubt about it: staying home with the kid is also hard work. When I got him to sleep for one of his many naps, I usually took one as well because I was so tired as well. Even when it would have been a great opportunity to challenge my mind with something it craved. The couch and pillow were just too welcoming.

It is a strange feeling when your day is at the same time nothing but great and priceless in many ways, and not rewarding in the way you’re accustomed to. Grown-ups have very different emotional, psychological and physical needs from a 10-month-old. But here we were, taking naps together.

Retrospective

If I had to do it all again, I would know a few things to do better.

With my firstborn, I spent only 2 days a week on my parental leave, which I had while we still lived in Sweden. In Sweden arrangements like this have been made smooth. The service for applying for parental leave is relatively easy to use and moving days between the parents is effortless. Employers in our experiences are also supporting this. The positive sides of it are clear: both parents get to stay home and go to work. 2 days a week with my daughter were not enough to exhaust me, but enough to get a stronger bond with her as a parent. 5 days a week was a lot, at least for me, I have to admit.

I later realized that I committed to the stay-at-home part of being a stay-at-home dad a bit too much.

It would have been a good idea for me to connect with other grown-ups in the same situation and spend time with them regularly. And at times it’s a good idea to meet grown-ups who you can talk to about something entirely different than kids.

Going out of the home to various kids groups is also good for both you and the child. Your child gets used to other kids around and you get to speak with someone who communicates back understandably. Singing Baby Shark 8 hours a day until your partner gets home drives even the best of us mad.

Even though this post turned out to be more about the downs than the ups of parenthood, I would do it again. It’s more than worth it and I learned more about my son than I could have ever done spending only evenings and weekends with him. I also saw him growing to love me for who I am. The many spontaneous hugs from him speak for themselves.

Parental leave is the best opportunity for one to get to know their child individually, without the influence of the other parent or their presence. Or without the sibling. My son is a very different person when it’s just the two of us, compared to how he is when his sister or mother or both are present.

It is also a chance to be exactly that kind of parent that comes naturally to you. You cannot do things “wrong” and you cannot ask for help for stuff that is uncomfortable for you or you’re insecure about.

I am not expecting my son to remember much or pretty much anything from those two months we were the two musketeers, but I will. And I will cherish those poopy moments and messy kitchen mishaps, until the day it’s my turn to be taken care of. With diapers and all.